So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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