Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
