last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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