That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Randomize
