My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
