Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Randomize