Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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