I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
