Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
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