My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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