I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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