Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
