when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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