if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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