A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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