It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
