I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
