I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
