There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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