I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
