True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
