I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The air was thick with penises
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
