My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
