I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
