you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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