Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
