dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
