Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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