I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
