I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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