Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
