Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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