the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We just shotgunned beers for America
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
