Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize