nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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