I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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