We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
