Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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