I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
