She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
