I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize