My sheets look like a crime scene.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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