meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
