he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
