Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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