Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
