he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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