He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
