so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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