Got a toothbrush?
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
