Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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