Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
