and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
