i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
