his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
