Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You had me at "let me see your balls"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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