When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
