Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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