im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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