oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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