toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
