I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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