dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
