She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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