so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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